Ripping Up The Carpet of Pain
Understanding and confronting emotional avoidance is crucial for long-term health.
Psychedelics were a tool in ripping up the carpet and seeing what I had swept under there for many years. Prior to any sort of therapy or experience of expanded consciousness, I went about my life walking on a very bumpy carpet. I thought I was happy to do so but in reality, I began to trip over those bumps with both my physical and mental health suffering. It was time to feel what I had avoided for years: pain.
I think many of you also have a very bumpy carpet where, with the slightest hint of a painful memory or thought surfacing, we can very easily change the channel in our mind; it’s like the brain has developed an automatic switch to avoid anything that makes us uncomfortable.
Emotional avoidance, or psychological repression, refers to the unconscious blocking of memories, impulses, or thoughts that can cause emotional distress. Initially theorised by Sigmund Freud, it is a defence mechanism meant to shield us from psychological conflict. However, it can become maladaptive when it prevents us from dealing with important emotional processes, contributing to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and even somatic symptoms. When we skirt around the darker alleys of our mind, we risk keeping those regions dark forever. Failing to confront and understand our emotional landscapes can lead to poor coping mechanisms like substance abuse, disordered eating, other numbing behaviours, and reduced overall psychological well-being.
A lot of the reasons why we want to avoid doing the so-called shadow work is the ego. We just have such a hard time letting go of any wrongdoing, whether that is someone else hurting you or forgiving yourself for something you have done; we want to be right and it takes a lot to grasp the concept that there is sometimes another side to the story and perhaps experience the humiliation of defeat.
Confronting your pain head-on is similar to the thought of going to the gym; it’s more painful at the thought of doing the work than actually doing it. In reality, when you are faced with what you have been avoiding for years, in an ironic way, you just feel love, acceptance and forgiveness. This is the emotional catharsis that happens in psychedelic experiences.
Research indicates that psychedelics work by deactivating the "default mode network" (DMN), the part of the brain responsible for ego, self-criticism, and emotional avoidance (Gattuso et al., 2023; Palhano-Fontes et al., 2015). For those unfamiliar, the default mode network is a network of interacting brain regions that are active when a person is not focused on the outside world. This is what allowed me to confront emotional pain for the first time in my life and also acknowledge the exact point where my brain chose to change the emotionally avoidant channel. This experience, although uncomfortable, led to significant emotional release and allowed me to begin the healing process. It's an example of how sometimes you need to sit with the pain, understand it, and eventually let go of the defence mechanisms around avoiding it. It’s not about getting actions from the experience; it's more about appreciating how deeply hurt you are and that you’re not okay. That’s what healing is—honouring your pain and giving it validity. The pain will always be there but we're learning to make peace with it.
While it took a psychedelic experience to confront my pain, it’s not necessary for you to do the same. You can begin the process by considering some of the steps below.
Awareness: The first step is becoming aware that you both need and want healing but also that you are stockpiling your issues under the carpet. You may be aware that you are doing this but the thinking stops there. Start to become curious about why you are avoiding difficult emotions and sit with any feeling of trying to flee the scenarios. What is it about the experience that you find challenging? What is your role in the experience?
Acknowledging Pain: When you refrain from glossing over the pain inflicted upon you by someone else, it's crucial to remember that the passage of time doesn't diminish the validity of your emotional experience. This pain, whether from years past or recent, may still be residing within you, subtly influencing your worldview and actions. For instance, it might manifest as an unconscious reluctance to allow others to get close to you.
Moreover, there's a tendency to overly rationalise someone's hurtful behaviour at the expense of acknowledging your emotional response. It's important to strike a balance between rationality and emotionality. In addressing these emotional wounds, a key step is to affirm your self-worth and the legitimacy of your feelings. This validation can be a powerful antidote to the tendency to downplay your emotional pain.
Emotions, especially intense or painful ones, can sometimes feel overwhelming, particularly if you struggle with low self-esteem. It might seem like a daunting task to assert yourself and establish boundaries. However, recognising and embracing your worthiness is an essential step towards healing and empowerment.
For those who have been on the other side of the equation and caused someone else pain, confronting this reality can be a profoundly uncomfortable emotional experience. Reflect on what this means to you personally. When you attempt to sit with and fully experience these emotions, pay attention to any physical or mental responses that arise. Do you notice any defensive reactions within yourself or any particular patterns of thought that might serve as a protective mechanism?
Consider, too, the prospect of offering an apology. What thoughts or feelings does this idea evoke? Apologising can be a vulnerable act that opens the door to a range of emotions, from fear of rejection to hope for reconciliation. By delving into these reactions, you can gain valuable insights into your emotional landscape and take meaningful steps towards personal growth and healing.
Emotional confrontation can be intense. My advice is to do this exercise in a safe environment, perhaps with a therapist who can help guide you through the experience.
Understanding and confronting our emotional avoidance is crucial for long-term health. Healing is a journey that requires self-compassion. So in this process, make sure you are gentle with yourself
References
Gattuso, J. J., Perkins, D., Ruffell, S., Lawrence, A. J., Hoyer, D., Jacobson, L. H., Timmermann, C., Castle, D., Rossell, S. L. & Downey, L. A. (2023). Default mode network modulation by psychedelics: a systematic review. International Journal of Neuropsychopharmacology, 26, 155-188.
Palhano-Fontes, F., Andrade, K. C., Tofoli, L. F., Santos, A. C., Crippa, J. a. S., Hallak, J. E., Ribeiro, S. & De Araujo, D. B. (2015). The psychedelic state induced by ayahuasca modulates the activity and connectivity of the default mode network. PloS one, 10, e0118143.
Beautiful analogy ❤️