My Recent Ayahuasca Experience

I Got The Healing I Needed, Not The Healing I Wanted

Releasing My Trauma to The Fire

People often ask why I choose to prod my trauma with a stick when I appear reasonably well on the outside. The truth is, looking well doesn’t necessarily mean I am well. Many of us are adept at hiding our inner turmoil behind a façade of normalcy, convincing others—and sometimes even ourselves—that everything is fine. Yet, beneath the surface, unresolved trauma lingers, influencing our behaviours, thoughts, and overall well-being. While I have come a long way and feel I’m in a good place in my life, I know there is still a lot of trauma buried deep, which I know is still manifesting in subtle ways. This unresolved trauma can affect my physical health, relationships, and overall sense of peace. By actively confronting and addressing these deep-seated issues, I aim to achieve true healing and well-being rather than simply maintaining an illusion of wellness.

Our bodies often carry the burden of our unprocessed emotions, leading to a variety of health problems that seem to have no clear cause, such as chronic pain, digestive issues, headaches, and a weakened immune system. This somatisation of trauma highlights the deep connection between our mental and physical health, underscoring the importance of addressing trauma to achieve overall wellness and longevity.

For years, I mastered the art of sidestepping my trauma, rationalising that if I seemed okay and functional, the impact of my past couldn’t be that significant. However, this mindset ignores the insidious nature of trauma. It doesn’t just vanish with time; instead, it embeds itself deep within, manifesting in various forms such as anxiety, stress, and physical ailments. Prodding my trauma isn’t about seeking to relive the pain but about acknowledging its existence and addressing it head-on to truly heal and for it to become part of me, integrated into my story rather than hidden away.

My Recent Ayahuasca Experience

Although I’m willing to work on my issues, I tend to downplay the impact of my past experiences, rationalising that since it was a long time ago and I’m okay now, it wasn’t that bad. In moments of stress, I tend to fawn and rapidly distance myself from any feelings that arise from my past pain. I never let myself sit with the discomfort, always creating logical narratives to excuse others' behaviour and peppering it with the idea that I was meant to experience this pain to learn and develop my soul. The intention behind my weekend with Ayahuasca was to confront my pain directly and sit with it.

Have You Ever Frozen in Conflict?

My previous ayahuasca experiences were tumultuous yet manageable as the medicine guided my healing journey. This time was different—I had to do the hard work myself, slowly weaving through the pain like an anaconda without reaching any resolution. This was poison to my anxious, anticipating brain, craving a deep spiritual experience to kickstart the next decade of my life on a high note.

I received the medicine I needed, not what I wanted.

The first realisation was to slow down. Telling someone with chronic anxiety and stress to slow down is futile; I had to be tricked into it. The medicine showed me an image of myself bedridden with cancer. The symbolic message was clear: slow down or be forced to. Treat yourself as if you need to heal… a good wake up call nonetheless.

Next, my stomach burned with a warm fire sensation. I wanted to purge, but nothing came out, signifying that my trauma was lodged in my body. It reminded me of years of abuse, excessive partying, steroid use, and the sexual trauma I endured. Each significant trauma degraded my self-worth further, becoming a form of masochism. In the moment, I knew it was harming my soul, a soul I believed was worthless due to years of torment and pain. These self-destructive behaviours were not just tools for numbing; they were a respite from a life filled with closed doors and rejection.

Sitting with this pain was uncomfortable; I was squirming. The purpose of the medicine was to make me finally sit with my pain and release it into the fire. It felt as though I shed layers of unresolved trauma, hoping to leave it behind to move forward.

During the ceremony, I had insights into how much I had disrespected my body over the years. The burning sensation in my stomach symbolised the physical manifestation of the trauma I had been holding. Each wave of discomfort reminded me of the abuse and self-harm I had inflicted upon myself, with the realisation that my chronic skin disorder has been concurrent with trauma patterns. This connection underscored the deep link between my emotional wounds and physical ailments, highlighting the need to address my inner pain to heal both my mind and body.

Gentle Healing

I also realised that I had been heavy-handed with my healing process, often opting for higher doses of psychedelics to push my consciousness to its limits and continually seeking deeper experiences through intense breathwork techniques. This relentless pursuit of profound healing experiences was, in itself, a form of self-punishment. The message I received was clear: I needed to embrace embodiment and be gentler with my body in the healing process. It was time to rest, integrate, and honour my body’s need for gentleness and care rather than constantly pushing it to extremes.

This session was different from my previous ayahuasca experiences, where medicine took the lead. This time, I had to confront and navigate the pain myself, which was both excruciating and liberating. The medicine taught me that my body and soul deserved healing and respect, not punishment. This session forced me to acknowledge the trauma stored in my body and the importance of releasing it to move forward in my healing journey.

Presently, I feel lighter, as if a heavy burden had been lifted. The process was far from over and coming back into the real world has been met with challenges, for which I’m choosing to be compassionate with myself.

I decided to share my experience with others to offer a moment of reflection for those who feel the weight of the world on their shoulders or are frantically trying to find a root cause for their symptoms with no avail. By sharing my journey, I hope to provide insight and encouragement to anyone struggling with unresolved trauma or chronic issues that seem insurmountable. It is my aim that, through understanding my path to healing, others might find solace and inspiration to confront their own pain, seek the help they need, and begin their own journey towards true well-being and self-acceptance.

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