I believe you never completely recover from body dysmorphia; instead, you learn to find a sense of peace amidst the struggle. Avoiding self-judgement when facing the bathroom mirror is a daily challenge and triggers on social media or within your immediate surroundings can easily ignite a flurry of thoughts filled with self-doubt and the pervasive feeling of "I'm not good enough."
The main difference in experiencing these thoughts now compared to 4 years ago is that I'm able to exercise reflexivity—why I'm thinking the way I do—and identify what triggered them easier, and I'm more aware that my thoughts aren’t everything, mere observations. For instance, I'm currently dealing with a shoulder injury that prevents me from going to the gym. This limitation on my activity often triggers a familiar cascade of thoughts. However, understanding the origin of these thoughts rather than succumbing to negative self-talk has proven to be beneficial.
Some of you reading this may be aware of my life-long history with body dysmorphic disorder. All of this stemmed from being severely overweight as a child, relentless bullying for being so and my sexuality, and then trying to navigate the world as a gay man, adding a layer of internal community pressures as well as external societal pressures.
These early experiences planted the seeds of body dysmorphic disorder, manifesting in behaviours that many of you might recognise: comparing yourself, hiding your body, avoiding mirrors and excessively grooming are just some of the classic symptoms that are second nature. As is weighing yourself every 5 minutes, trying every new fad diet, and when the energy is there, exercising at extreme levels. This was a deeply ingrained way of being, seemingly the only track to follow, despite the growing realisation that none of these efforts would provide a true escape from the clutches of body dysmorphic disorder.
My coping mechanisms evolved into a thick skin, a protective shield against past abuses but also a barrier to recognising my own destructive behaviours and dismissing the potential therapies that could offer relief from the daily mouse trap of self-inflicted negative image talk.
I thought the magic bullet for me was anabolic steroids. I thought it was the cheat code to banish body dysmorphia for good. The change I noticed in others—how confident and validated they appeared—seduced me. Desperate for a similar escape and recognition within the highly competitive gay scene, I overlooked the glaring drawbacks and the side effects I was willing to endure for a chance at self-acceptance.
There may have been a fleeting moment where I was pleased with my body’s progress but the more my body changed, the more I focused on perceived flaws, constantly seeking ways to improve further. Even with temporary validation, the familiar feeling of inadequacy lingered. I’d find new ways to self-sabotage, which included being extra hard on myself if my diet wasn’t perfect or I skipped a gym session.
I've come to realise that nutrition and exercise are only part of the health equation. True healing involves addressing past traumas, reevaluating one's mindset, and understanding that health encompasses both physical and emotional well-being. The most transformative change in my journey has been mastering the ability to trace back to the trigger of my emotions, recognising that perhaps I'm simply having a difficult day. This insight has allowed me to fully embrace and experience my feelings, rather than chastising myself for not feeling a certain way. It's been a shift towards self-compassion, understanding that it's okay to not always be okay, and giving myself the grace to navigate through my emotions without additional self-criticism.
The journey of my healing has culminated in a profound respect for my body, recognising it as a vessel that has endured and triumphed over numerous challenges. I've come to realise that I had never truly acknowledged or expressed gratitude for its resilience and strength. This realisation has been a pivotal moment, teaching me the importance of appreciating my body not just for its appearance but for its ability to carry me through life's trials. It's a recognition of the body's remarkable capacity to heal, adapt, and support us in ways we often take for granted.
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece! If it resonated with you, I'd greatly appreciate a 'Like'. Your likes play a significant role in enhancing the visibility of my work through the Substack algorithm. Your support means a lot. Thank you!
I hope that this message resonates with a broad audience within the gay community. Many of us have grappled with feelings of rejection and lack of love or care during our formative years, leading us to seek solace in various behaviors. However, as we come to the realization that these actions do not truly fulfill the void within us, we are prompted to delve deeper into self-reflection and embark on a journey towards healing. Thank you for sharing your own experience ❤️
Such a gorgeous piece. So much resonates with me, and I’m sure with many other gay men ❤️ It’s great to get these matters out there in the open, so thank you for sharing 🙏🏽