As the dawn of 2024 stretches its light upon us, I find myself in the throes of introspection. We often earmark new years with new goals, don't we? The usual suspects play on my mind: advancing my career, healthier eating habits, more rigorous exercise routines, and even polishing my Spanish. These goals, while quantifiable, also dangle like heavy ornaments on the already-laden branches of daily life. Aside from my commitment to a year free from alcohol, I think it’s time to shed all the masks of performance and continue the earnest journey towards being unabashedly, authentically myself. But as I've come to realise, there's a long path of self-discovery that awaits me.
For the longest time, my life has been a meticulously crafted performance. Wearing different masks has been second nature to me, each a tool to either avoid rejection or hide my true self from potential scrutiny. It's an act, a dance of pretence, that helps navigate the day but at a grave cost—my mental health. Each slight crack in this facade, each small moment of vulnerability, has often led to repercussions, reinforcing my need to keep the performance alive.
But then, a moment of epiphany: What does it even mean to be me? It's a question that echoes in the hollows of my existence. The majority of my life, up until now, has been akin to an Oscar-winning performance, so convincing that even I've lost sight of the actor beneath the mask.
In the realm of psychedelics, there's much talk of 'ego loss', but I've begun to see the cumulative effect as something else—the shedding of these very masks that I've clung to for so long. The authentic self that emerges is unashamed, unapologetic, and free from the crippling fear of rejection or judgement. It's a tantalising state of being, yet integrating this authenticity into the fabric of everyday life is a daunting, seldom-trodden path.
The journey to being me is not a linear one; it's raw and unfiltered. It's more than just confronting past traumas and offering forgiveness to others and oneself. It's an ongoing process of learning and gently settling into one's true essence. This journey for me began with one of my initial ayahuasca experiences. Prior to this, my life was a haze of expectations from others, a relentless quest for external validation, and a pervasive habit of people-pleasing. The ayahuasca, like a skilled weaver, unravelled the layers of pretence, revealing a core of love and authenticity.
However, this revelation was transient. On returning to the conventional realm, I shared my experiences through a video. The reactions were polarised; while some resonated with my journey, others questioned my sanity. This dichotomy of responses yanked me back into the vortex of external validation. I overlooked the encouragement and focused instead on the criticisms, perhaps from others not understanding or seeing my path of healing as a threat. This led to a fresh cycle of withdrawal, a retreat into my shell, as I grappled with this new layer of exposure and vulnerability.
The video in question: Ayahuasca presented me with a vision akin to the sensations of passing—a harrowing yet enlightening glimpse intended to awaken a deeper appreciation for life. It urged me towards forgiveness and an authentic existence. In hindsight, such an experience could be seen as the necessary tonic for someone grappling with suicidal ideations.
My struggle with authenticity is akin to peeling an onion. Each layer reveals a new dimension, sometimes leading to tears and sometimes to a clearer vision. The process is continuous, often painful, but invariably necessary. There's a beauty in this rawness, a certain purity in the unfiltered self that emerges, battle-scarred yet resilient.
The societal norms we navigate often dictate a certain conformity, a need to fit in, and to be a part of a collective narrative. In this quest for belonging, the individual narrative often gets muffled, lost in the cacophony of expected norms and behaviours. My journey towards authenticity, then, is not just a personal quest but also a subtle rebellion against these imposed narratives. It's a declaration of self, a testament to the belief that the truest form of existence is one where the self is not just acknowledged but celebrated in its entirety.
This year, as I embark on this journey of self-discovery and authenticity, I am acutely aware of the challenges that lie ahead. It's a path fraught with uncertainties, a journey that demands immense vulnerability. But it's a journey worth undertaking. For in the quest to be truly me lies the promise of peace, of a life lived not in the shadows of pretence but in the light of unadorned truth.
As I write this, I'm reminded that the journey to authenticity is a deeply personal one, unique to each individual. It's a path that requires us to confront our deepest fears, to question long-held beliefs, and to embrace the unknown with open arms. It's a journey of unlearning as much as it is of learning—a process of dismantling the walls we've built around ourselves.
In essence, being me is about stripping away the layers of performance to reveal the raw, unvarnished self.
Here’s to a 2024 where we keep shedding the masks 🎭 ❤️