As I sit down to write this post, I can't help but confront a lingering hesitance. My brand, built on the pillars of vulnerability, chides me gently, urging me to move past the subconscious fear of judgement. So, in line with my 2024 resolution to shed all masks, I share with you my intricate dance with alcohol.
My relationship with alcohol was one I never classified as complicated—until psychedelics entered my life. I wasn't one to seek the oblivion of drunkenness. My association with alcohol was more about the social warmth of sharing a bottle of wine or unwinding with a glass in the evening's quiet. As an addiction counsellor in my previous career, I'd witnessed the devastating extremes of addiction, yet I naively overlooked the concept of functional alcoholism. Despite a strong familial history of addiction and friends in recovery, I'd convinced myself I was untouched by this affliction. After all, I didn’t indulge in getting drunk, a rationale that I used as a cushion against my emerging realisation.
This obliviousness was shattered during a mushroom trip. It was an experience that blindsided me with its intensity, leading to an unexpected purge—something I thought was exclusive to Ayahuasca experiences. As I retched, a vision unfolded before me: a future scene where I chose a soft drink over alcohol at dinner. This glimpse was enough to jolt my consciousness, propelling me into three months of effortless sobriety. During this period, I felt an unprecedented sense of elation, though my body occasionally betrayed me with anxiety on weekend nights, a reminder of a changed routine.
Sobriety, however, wasn't without its challenges. It made me feel the rawness of my emotions, which alcohol had previously numbed. This newfound sensitivity led to bouts of insomnia and heightened anxiety. In response, I found myself gravitating towards alternative outlets—more coffee, intense exercise, and a flurry of activities to distract myself. These were transient consequences, navigable with increased self-awareness.
The real test came with a casual cocktail on vacation. It didn't lead to a binge, but it nudged me back into the social drinking cycle. This period of relaxed sobriety highlighted the benefits I had been reaping unknowingly. Casual drinking led to unintended weight gain, previously kept at bay, and my dietary choices became skewed by my altered state of mind.
But the most poignant loss was that of my mental clarity. Post-Christmas, laden with the effects of alcohol, I recognise a mediocrity in my cognitive state, a far cry from the lucidity I cherished during sobriety. This realisation, coupled with the dawn of the new year, has spurred a commitment—a year of sobriety—with the hope of extending it indefinitely. Alcohol, I've come to understand, no longer serves any purpose in my life.
I can't help but ponder: is my decision to go sober yet another attempt to add a point of control to my already regimented life? This question lingers, adding a layer of complexity to my understanding of sobriety, not just as a health choice but as a reflection of my deeper need for structure and control.
Embarking on this sober journey, I'm acutely aware of the societal norms and expectations that often intertwine with alcohol. It's not merely about abstaining from a drink; it's a conscious divergence from a path well-trodden by many. In social settings, where a glass in hand is almost a reflex, choosing sobriety is a silent yet powerful statement. It's about redefining enjoyment and connection, finding depth in conversations and experiences unclouded by the haze of alcohol. This journey is as much about discovering new facets of my social interactions as it is about my personal health and mental clarity. It's a testament to the strength of character, a commitment to forge deeper, more meaningful relationships, and an exploration into the realms of genuine, unfiltered joy. As I navigate through this year of sobriety, I anticipate not only the personal transformations but also the evolution of my social dynamics, an intriguing aspect of this journey that both challenges and excites me.
This decision is not just about personal growth but also about accountability. It’s a commitment etched in both pride and vulnerability. The most profound lesson I've learned from psychedelics is not just the revelations they provide but also the importance of acting on the self-awareness they bestow. Sobriety is not merely abstinence; it's an active, conscious choice—a testament to the transformative power of psychedelics and the strength within to follow through on the insights gained.
As I embark on this journey, I do so with a sense of trepidation, yet I am filled with an overwhelming sense of anticipation for the clarity and authenticity it promises. This is not just a resolution for a new year but a redefinition of my relationship with myself and the world around me. Sobriety, I realise, is not just a lesson from psychedelics; it's a gift.
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Interesting and thought-provoking. My alcohol intake is lower than it’s ever been. I used it as an emotional outlet and a place to hide in my 20s and 30s but a cancer diagnosis prompted a rethink. I used to work in the wine trade and I have trained in wine, and really enjoy choosing and sharing a good bottle. In my 50s I focussed on increasing quality and decreasing quantity to great effect. As I turn 60 I’ve noticed that even one glass of wine can dull my senses the following day but the idea of giving up wine culture feels unnecessarily, maybe punishingly, ascetic and antisocial. And yet... I think I may be heading that way because I strongly resent anything that takes away from my energy and clarity. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping me think about it. More research needed... 🥹
Love this and resonate with this so much. Apart from a little champagne on my 50th last February, I’ve been off alcohol for 15 months now and I’m not looking back. It’s felt good to be able to make decisions based on the way I am attuned to my body now, an awareness that’s taken a long while to build. I wish you a lovely journey into sobriety! 💖💖🙏🏽